After Canada and Greenland, the former U.S. president has now set his sights on the Kinky Region of Japan, declaring his intent to bring this culturally rich and questionably named area under American control.
Trump’s interest in the region was first sparked by what he describes as a divine intuition. “I kept hearing about Kinki, Kinki, Kinki – and I thought, wow, that sounds like kinky ! And you know, nobody understands kinky better than me, folks. Believe me” and declared it is “the most interesting place in Japan, maybe the world.”
Unlike previous targets, The Kinky Region lacks abundant natural resources or strategic trade routes. However, it does boast an irresistible mix of landscapes, cuisine, and “soft power opportunities” that have piqued Trump’s interest. Speaking to reporters, he explained:
“The Kinky Region is incredible. You’ve got the billions and billions of dunes in Tottori—just like Mar-a-Lago, but classier. Osaka? They’ve got that cute little racist conservatism that reminds me of home. Shiga? Hemp plantations, folks. Very easy to convert into exclusive asian pot. The best. Nara? So many deer. We’re talking some next-level barbecue potential. And Kyoto, very, very beautiful. It’s full of classy Chinese tourists. Fantastic for diplomacy, very very fantastic.”
Hyōgo is home to an up-and-coming idol singer who “could get the green card instantly” And Mie has the ghost town of Fuckyou (不泣), a location Trump has declared “too funny not to own.”
A Personal Interest in the Local Talent
The former president also appears to have developed a special fondness for The Kinky Region’s idol scene. In particular, he has taken notice of Asahina Koharu, a member of the Shiga-based girl group ChanceMovement. Describing the group’s concept, he stated:
“Chance means good luck in French. And folks, I love good luck. But more importantly, Asahina Koharu is just gorgeous. Stunning. Really Elite level. And I think it’d be a crime if she didn’t get a green card. Absolutely tragic.”
Trump also revealed that his office had been contacted by the president of the F.A.M.A. (4chan American Members Association), who proposed a large-scale importation of young Japanese women to the U.S. in order to make America the undisputed world leader in “sexy chicks”. The plan, he claims, aligns perfectly with his “Make America Great Again and Full of Hot Girls” initiative.
“It’s all about logistics” Trump explained. “You’ve got to have a foothold in Japan. You can’t just start shipping them over from scratch. Believe me, this will be very smooth, very efficient.”
Strong Opposition, But No Signs of Stopping
While Japanese officials have not yet responded to Trump’s statements, local reactions have ranged from bewilderment to barely suppressed panic. A spokesperson from the Osaka prefectural government dismissed the claims as “clearly ridiculous” while the mayor of Kyoto simply sighed and muttered, “Not again.”